The Pit of Self-Doubt

Today, we’re talking about a specific breed of monster called self-doubt. All people experience it. Many people allow it to creep in and pin them down.

Self-doubt is especially common for artists. Am I good at what I do? Are people lying when they say they like my stuff? Is this idea good enough to actually commit time to? Self-doubt as an artist can be crippling and even prevent someone from creating something in the first place. You know you don’t have to show it to people. You know you’re creating it for yourself first, but still - it makes you pause and wonder if you should actually set aside time to create.

Personally, I’ve always had self-doubt in many areas of my life. Call it a form of self-preservation, maybe?

When I started this blog post initially, I was a couple weeks away from completing a 2nd draft. My partner had just read my polished first draft. He’s very well-read, so figured he was a good choice as an alpha reader. I got some good feedback and a little bit of a break from staring at my words. Since then, I’ve made many, many changes, went through a couple of more drafts, and handed the story off to a few beta readers. It was one thing for my partner to read it. He claims he wasn’t biased when he read it, but kind of hard not to be when you’ve been part of the process from page 15. Giving the story to beta readers, that’s a bit more of the real deal.

Now, I’m not afraid of criticism. I thrive with criticism. My issue, as I mention in my other post “Cinnamon Tea,” is that I find it hard to not take all criticism as law. So, if I’m fine with criticism, why am I afraid to have others read it? Because it might not be good as a whole. You can usually improve something if you know what the problem is, but if there’s a piece of art that’s just not working, sometimes the only thing you can do is abandon it or erase it and start over. If that is what I have to do for this one, I will, but… that would suck. This is what I’ve been pouring my heart and soul into for well over a year so far. If it’s not good, was that all just a waste of time? It’s hard to remind myself that the answer to this is no.

This goes back to the question of why do artists make art? Because they feel called to. No matter the medium, most people are called to create something. It’s important to listen to that call. Part of the reason I wrote this novel is because I felt called to. A much larger part, to be honest, was to show to myself that I could. Writing a novel feels similar to me as training for a half marathon did. Discipline and persistence strengthen the mind. Writing a novel felt good to do. These are the two reasons why I wrote it. Now, of course, I’m hoping to get published.

I’ve started submitting my novel to agents. I’m fully prepared for the average of 150 rejections writers get. I’m also fully prepared for it to never be accepted. We’ll see what happens. If nothing happens, I might try to self-publish. We’ll see how I feel about the final product.

If it does get published, by myself or someone else, even just a handful of people find meaning in my words, I’ll consider it to be an accomplishment. But in reality, creating is an accomplishment in itself too.

Keep creating.